I’ve got a confession to make. When our Editor-in-Cheese, Bart, called me with this review assignment, I didn’t exactly jump at the opportunity. The conversation went something like this:
The Conversation
“Hulllooooo.” Bart said in that low, funny voice he uses when he wants something from you. (When it’s time to renew your subscription you’ll know what I mean when he calls you at home.)
“Hey man,” I responded. (I often say “Hey man” cuz I’m terrible with names and uttering these two words means I have a 50-50 chance of being right — well, okay, there are more women than men in the world, so let’s say 48-52.)
“I’ve got something for you for the October issue,” he said in that sing-songy tone that invariably follows “Hulllooooo.”
“I’d like to but I’m really busy right now. I’ve got a couple of other things on the burner and I’m not sure I have time to…”
“It’s pinball.”
My weakness.
“P-p-pinball?” I stammered.
“Yup.”
“Gee, I don’t know…”
“No one has this game yet,” he tempted.
“No one? Really? Is it beta?”
“Nope, it’s the release version. Doesn’t have the documentation but it’s the Gold Master.”
“Bartram,” I silently implored, “Get thee behind me!”
I needed an out. I really was much too busy to take on the assignment, but it was PINBALL for god’s sake.
“Wait a minute. This isn’t the sequel to that crummy pinball game from Sierra is it?”
“No, it’s from MacPlay. It’s called Pro Pinball: The Web.”
“And you’re sure no one else has it?” I was losing ground rapidly.
“No. Just me. But I’ll send it to you if you do the review.”
Aarghhh!!! I looooovvve pinball! I had to have it.
“Okay, okay,” I sighed. “I’ll work it in. But help me out here. Have you played it?”
“A little bit. It looks good — nice action on the ball.”
“Are the physics as good as the Little Wing stuff?”
“Better in some ways,” he said. “For example, you know how the ball kind of floats oddly in Crystal Caliburn and Loony Labyrinth?”
“Yeah.”
“Doesn’t do that in The Web.”
“Hang on, “ I responded. “Unless they’ve found a way to reflect the playfield on the ball — you know, pick up the changing colors underneath the ball as it rolls across the table — it’s gonna float. That’s what makes other video pinball games look funny.”
“They did figure it out. The ball does reflect the table. Gets shadows on it too as it goes under the ramps.”
Reflection? Shadows? Ramps? My mouth was watering.
“How many balls and ramps?”
“It’s a three-ball game and has two ramps — like most games nowadays. Plus three flippers, a bunch of sinkholes, two spinners, multiball play, a couple of those wire habitrail doo-hickeys…”
“What, there’re hamsters in the game!?”
“You know what I mean. You drop the ball down one of the sinkholes or up one of the ramps and it shoots down one of the overhead wire ramps.”
 
“Oh,” I said, finally getting it. “Yeah, I’ve seen those things on some of the new pinball machines. Sounds cool. So how’re the flippers? Can you trap the ball easily?”
“That’s probably my one complaint. It’s really hard to trap the ball. It almost always bounces out of the flipper and you end up passing it off to the other one. You get used to passing, but I’d like it if the ball felt a little heavier — sure would make it easier to shoot all the stuff on the table.”
“So the table’s crowded?”
“Maybe a little bit. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nicely laid out but there are a ton of ways to score on this thing. Loops, combinations, ramp shots, spot targets, video mode…”
My mind had started to drift off to pinball heaven. His last words jerked me back.
“Huh? Back up. Video mode? What the heck’s that!?”
“Over the back of the table — where the backglass is supposed to be? — there’s this representation of a video screen. Kind of the quality of a Game Boy. Anyway, that’s where your scores are, as well as these different animations. Look, do I have to do all your work for you? Can’t you just look at the game yourself?”
“I will, I promise. Just tell me a little more.”
He sighed. “Okay. The idea is that you have to complete these different missions — there are five of them and you have access to a sixth when you finish the other five. Each of these missions has an animation that goes along with it.”
“Isn’t that kind of distracting?”
“Yeah, in a way it is. The table’s plenty busy as it is and having to shift your eyes to the top of the screen can pull you away from the action. I’ve dropped several balls because I was looking at the video. After awhile you just learn to ignore it.”
“Yeah, I can see that would be a problem. So tell me about these missions.”
“When the Mission Start hole is lit you’ve got to…”
“Let me guess. You sink a ball in the hole to start the mission.”
“Will you let me tell this? You know it’s a good thing I’ve got this cheap Canadian phone rate or I’d have hung up five minutes ago.”
“Okay, okay. So you’ve got the Mission Start hole…”
“Right. You sink the ball in the hole and one of the missions starts. Say the Skyscraper mission. Up pops an animation of a skyscraper…”
“Thus the name…”
“Would you let me finish?” he said testily. “So you have to shoot the spinners to advance one floor. With each floor you get a million points. You can collect the total points of that mission by shooting the Mission Start hole again. If you get to the fifth floor and shoot the Mission Start hole you get 105 million plus a Showdown Sphere — a kind of token that indicates you’ve completed that mission. You can go on to the sixth floor to get an extra ball along with 100 million.”
“Sounds kind of complicated.” I said.
“After doing it awhile it makes sense. But if I were playing this seriously I’d definitely spend some time with the manual. Anyway, the animation screen changes as you move to the different floors. Plus, the cheesy elevator music is great in this mission.”
“Oh yeah. How’s the sound?”
“Incredible. Really high quality music and sound effects. A background soundtrack that’s a little like ZZ Top and a man and woman who clue you into what’s happening on the table.”
“You know me — I like to play with the music off to keep from being distracted. Can I do that?”
“Sure. You can turn it and the sound effects down or completely off if you like.”
It was sounding like my kind of game.
“How about the view of the table? Please tell me it’s not like Space Cadet where I’m floating 14 feet away from the table.”
“It’s angled like the Maxis and Sierra games, but you get six different views that put you closer or farther away from the action. Don’t worry, unless you absolutely require the overhead view you get in the Little Wing games you’ll find a view you like. Anything else you want to know?”
“I think I have what I need, but let me see if I have it all straight. You’d say that the game plays well, has loads of scoring options, great sound, realistic physics…”
“Oh,” he interrupted, “and it’s cool that the game lets you nudge the ball not only straight ahead but from either side.”
“…and comprehensive nudging.”
“Right.”
“But you’re not so hot on the way the flippers trap the ball and the way the video distracts you.”
“Uh huh. And I should add that to run the game at its peak you should have a lot of RAM to spare.”
“How much?”
“Well the preferred size is like 11 MB, but you can run it with less.”
“Okay, so it can be a memory hog. But overall you’d say it was a great game for anyone who likes their pinball fast and furious.”
“I’m sure you can come up with a less trite way to phrase that, but sure, it’s a really good pinball game. You’re gonna like it a lot, I promise. I’ll drop it in the mail tomorrow.”
“Wait, wait! One last thing. What rating would you give it?”
He sighed. “It’s worth a solid four. I’d give it four and a half if you could trap the ball more easily. Now that’s all I’m gonna tell you. I gotta go. Bye.”
